Surely someone can be tricked into Dayan Viciedo

The Mariners traded for Justin Ruggiano Wednesday. In doing so, they seem to have clearly stated a preference for their wrong-side-of-a-platoon outfielders to both actually have some recent success against left-handers AND be capable of playing defense in the outfield. It's a hardline stance to take, but they seem devoted to seeing it through.

The setback comes right after Rick Hahn seemed more resigned than ever to trading Dayan Viciedo to...someone.

In all probability it will be with another club that probably sees him in a greater role and usually those things have a way of working themselves out.
— Rick Hahn

Some other club will just come along and rescue the Sox from their self-made hell. But what team wants Dayan Viciedo in "a greater role?" Well, this is probably a very bad team. Let's find them. Let's only search the AL, though, because proposing a team needs Dayan Viciedo is bad enough, let's not wish a full season of defense on these clubs too.

As poetic as it would be to offer a reeling Baltimore Orioles outfield a chance to reunite the once-dreamed De Aza/Viciedo platoon, I fear a whisper of "We won 96 games last year! We're above this foolishness" would burst forth at the end.

Boston Red Sox: 10 million outfielders, Mike Napoli, David Ortiz and Allen Craig. This is a no.

Chicago White Sox: Hmm, they like to gamble and mig--oh wait, I've screwed up here.

Cleveland Indians: Possibly decent candidates if they weren't so damn familiar. The Tribe is currently reeling from deciding to pair "Ryan Raburn" and "contract extension" in a sentence. He is their platoon, right-handed bench bat if knee surgery has magically healed his bat. If not, maybe they want some incompetent help? Then again, they've seen Dayan play.

Detroit Tigers: There's not a MAX amount of plodding right-handed sluggers you can carry. They're very righty-centric, so I don't see what situational use Viciedo would offer, but there's not any offense really set on their bench at the moment. They do have Mike Hessman in their organization, though. Is Viciedo better than Mike Hessman? I don't know.

I don't know.

Houston Astros: No immediate goals to play for, a left-handed first baseman, plate appearances to waste on the hopeless and damned. Jon Singleton having a reverse platoon split thus far and being someone the Astros are completely committed to making an everyday guy is an obstacle. Also, Viciedo is expensive for a possibly useless part-time player, for a team that is not trying to pay to continue to be bad.

Kansas City Royals: Another team lacking a bench bat at the moment, and Eric Hosmer very much needs a platoon partner. I like the pairing, and not just because I resent the 2014 Royals and want to see them do something foolish. Not entirely, at least.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Nah.

Minnesota Twins: Kennys Vargas is a switch-hitter and Josmil Pinto needs at-bats that the Twins apparently won't give him at catcher. Unrelated, the Twins responded to Eduardo Escobar's fine 2014 by moving Danny Santana in from the outfield to take his job. I wish them the worst.

New York Yankees: Carlos Beltran and Alex Rodriguez give them two guys who may not hit and might not be able to field. They don't need a third just because he's younger.

Oakland A's: It's hard to really ever understand what these guys are doing. They love and are intensely platoon-divided and are also almost exclusively left-handed in the outfield and infield corners save for Billy Butler. Then again, Billy Butler is playing Viciedo's natural position, and Nate Freiman is around for depth.

Seattle: No, NO! They had their chance

Tampa Bay Rays: Another team that does inexplicable things that wind up looking decent. The Rays seem to have their DH left open to play matchups at the moment. Logan Forsythe is the right-handed bench bat on the roster, but has been pretty awful for the past two years and never eclipsed six home runs in the season. There's room for a player like Viciedo, even if they'll want a better one.

Texas Rangers: They just signed Kyle Blanks, which is the equivalent of getting Dayan Viciedo, and they still have Michael Choice bouncing around. The Rangers have a lot of half-solutions in the absence of legit bats. Viciedo would be one more, but maybe they need one more to increase the chances of one of them sticking.

Toronto Blue Jays: Why trade Michael Saunders for Dayan Viciedo WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THEM BOTH.

It's destiny. Also their DH is Justin Smoak. Make it happen, Jays. And by 'make it happen,' I mean, "How much salary do the Sox need to eat?"